This is what the STM looks like, they grow on trees and these trees are not too happy about it. They are not a very friendly fungus and they don't even get along with each other. Lucky for us the STM lives only in East Asia and they rarely travel (unless they are dead, packed and being shipping to a store near you) where they are Mostly Harmless so Don't Panic! There are very few reported attacks leading to death from the STM. It seems that being stuck to an unhappy tree limits their ability to attack from a distance. But, if your ever in a forest in East Asia you should be careful to not get close to any tree that looks like it's in a bad mood. Though their bite is rarely lethal it has been know to cause certain essential body parts to turn black, shrivel up, and fall off. Caution is recommended.

Set your mouse cursor over different STMs in the picture on the left and wait a second and you can see what they are talking about. In all, not a very friendly bunch... and an unhappy tree.

Beatrice Smith/Crumpecker was born on June 10th 1984. She was orphaned at the age of 3 when both of her parents were killed a in freak accident involving an alien abduction that went wrong (It seems that one of the aliens spilled its Mountain Dew on the control panel causing a short circuit during transporting).

Shortly after that she was adopted by Melvin and Irene Crumpecker. The Crumpeckers were a very strange couple who lived in a shack on the outskirts of rural Slaunchville in northern Minnesota. Melvin and Irene were strictly religious, wore funny hats, and loved the loons that frequently visited the nearby marsh. Any kind of misbehavior was not tolerated. Swearing was strictly forbidden, as was bothering the loons in the local marsh. Even so, Beatrice grew up to be a funny little girl and a fifth grader at tiny Richard Nixon Elementary. She was assigned to do a report on fungi and came across the the Shiitake Mushroom in a book she was using for research. She though the name was funny and the mushroom itself had a long history in Asia as an ingredient in many unusual Asian dishes. She was mispronouncing the name of the mushroom as the Sh*t Talking Mushroom. The others kids though it was funny and soon it spread all though the school.

On March 15th 1994 she returned from school and was very excited to tell her parents about the A+ she received on her fungi report. When her mother asked her what she was so excited about Beatrice answered "I received an A+ from my teacher on the paper I wrote about the fungi: Shiitake Mushrooms." Unfortunately, what her parents heard was " I received an anus from my preacher on the paper I wrote about the f*cken sh*t talking marsh loons." (Beatrice has always suffered from slight speech impediment).

The next day her adopted parents filed a missing child report and a massive search reveled nothing. Not long after that the Crumpeckers moved and were never heard form again.

No matter what fate Beatrice met, her legacy lives on as the misuse of the name of the Shiitake Mushroom spread to elementary and middle schools all across the nation, and is still being used by millions of kids all across the U.S.